when { l i g h t n i n g } strikes ?!

[LightningϟStrife]

LIGHTNING STRIFE ,

I'M L O S I N G MY M I N D ,

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[LightningϟStrife]

HI.

i don't understand anything any more. it's just so.. confusing. i don't even know what i'm fucking confused about. it's that confusing. and see here? i'm confusing myself now. i'm fucked up. i don't understand anything, and i don't think i want to, either. it makes me wonder, sometimes. if i should be here. if i should be alive. i don't understand why i'm here. i don't understand anything at all. all the things i know right now are just plain facts that everyone knows. i'm lightning. i'm a twin. i'm 17 years old. i've turned to drugs. but i'm not addicted. i like to drink alcohol. but again, i'm not addicted. but that's it. nothing else.

i'm so confused. and i have no one that i can trust. i'm alone.

and that scares me more than anything.

LIGHTNING.

[LightningϟStrife]

HI.

they're talking to me. i try and ignore it. but it's too hard. they're going to hurt me. and no one wants to help. i don't think anyone can help. i can't.. deal with it. not any more.

they're coming after me. i know they are. i can hear them.

they're coming after me.

and then it'll be the end.

of everything.

LIGHTNING.

[LightningϟStrife]

HI.

they say i'm bad.

that i bring bad shit to the people around me. that if i wasn't here, then they wouldn't have to deal with all the bad stuff that's been happening to them. that i'm the cause for all their pain. there's this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that tells me that they're wrong. that it's not my fault. but they're so convincing. everything they say; i know it's true, because they say it is. and thinking about it now, whenever i get close to someone, they end up with someone bad happening to them, don't they?

like cloud. my twin. i love him, so much. but all that's ever happened to him is misfortune. all his life. and do you know why? it's because of me. i've been with him all his life. i'm the reason. and now he's gone and committed suicide. right in front of me. because of me. i'm the reason he died. and yeah, i know he's back. but he's not actually back is he? they're right. i'm bad for him. i'm bad for everyone. i should just go. leave. disappear.

they tell me that i should die. that it would be the best way for me to stop bringing badness into the lives of the people i care about. Because even if i move away.. i'm still going to be bring bad shit to someone else. it's inevitable, they say. the only way out is death. but i'm scared. i don't want to die. i'll miss cloud too much. i'll miss my friends too much. i'll miss ty too much. i'll miss living too much. but that's why i should do it, they say. that if i really loved them, then i would leave them. they say that i'm stupid for falling in love with ty. it'll only hurt him. they say that i'm being selfish. that i'm only thinking about myself, and i'm being hurtful. i'm already being hurtful to them by just being near them. but by refusing to leave, i'm adding to the pile. so everyday, they tell me to die. to grab the knife, and slit my throat. to take the pills and swallow. to tie the rope around my neck and fall. i'm useless. i only bring bad news. they tell me i should die.

i think they're right.

LIGHTNING.