Smoke and Mirrors *Cris's Thoughts*

[Crissatha Pandora]

Dear Journal Writing Place Thingy.

Yeah okay I'll think of a better name later.

So the worlds gone to hell.

But I think you knew that already.

The Royal Bird Creeper himself has taken over. Thinks he's some kind of big shot now because he's got the whole sha-bang. Even gave himself a stupid fricken castle. I mean really? Can you say tacky much? Cue the lightning and maniacle laugh. On top of this, he's started marking people. Yours truly included. Yeah, you read right. Dammit, but I got a good swift kick to the creepers face first at least. But that kinda worked against me. Lemme tell you, hanging upside down while someone carves a feather into your ankle? Not fun. Do not wish for a repeat performance anytime soon.

Freaking mark. I'll still say I'm a red until the day I change. Which will be when? I mean, does it work the same way? Will I change next year when Luxy does or will I be left behind? I don't want Luxy moving on while I'm stuck here, that would royally suck. But I'm still not sure how it works. No one is. Hence the stares that make me wanna chop off someone's head.

So back to whatever the hell I was talking about earlier. Right, the creeper.

So he goes parading around like he's awesome. And the BP is stuck in our hide out which is awesome but that's not the point. We shouldn't have to be stuck there. None of us are the same. None of us seem to be able to get up the spunk to cause chaos anymore. I mean, what's the point? Not like it does anything. But maybe it would lift anyones dammed spirits. Red's a depressed mess, Aqu's new look is...well Aqu, Raea's scared of her own shadow, Justin's still Justin which is nice, Miyuki can't seem to chill out anymore and Seph's....well Seph's just trying to hold us all together but I think she's hurtin' too. It kinda sucks.

And me? Ha, lets not get into me.

I've been loosing my mind thanks to him. That's to be expected I guess, all the reds are loosing it. Dammit. I keep feeling like I'm loosing it. I don't wanna go feral. So could someone put an end to this? Soon? That would be awesome.

So I got something to ask of whatever diety is listening to us these days. Nyx, Erebus, The Tooth fairy, whoever. I don't really give a shit. Maybe, ya know, cut us some slack here? Give us some way to fight back? That would rule. Kay. Thanks.

Fuck that.

Like anyone listens anymore.

Cris

[Crissatha Pandora]

Dear...

You know what...Fuck it. I'm not gonna do the whole cliched name the place you write thoughts down in thing.

I have something very important to tell you Little Notebook. I Crissatha Pandora am gonna kill a bitch.

Oh you heard me. I'm going to kill that fricken...Ugh. Cindy Secret.

Who gave her the right to stomp in here and start spilling things she hears? And they are lies I don't give a fuck who tells you different. Lies. So she starts off her thing with ME. I mean really? Death wish much? I'm going to kick her ass.

As soon as I figured out who she is. And I will.

Wanna know why? Cuz she wrote about Ki too. Which means she's dead. Cuz me and Ki are gonna kill'er.

If it even is a she. Fuck I need to figure this out so she can die and stop spreading lies.

I mean really? Me and Justin? Who the fuck decided that was true? I don't like him at all. I like toturing him and being abusive. And making him jealous. And hanging with him. And letting him drag me places I don't wanna go.

Dammit.

Okay fine. So maybe I like him.

Anyone reading this is dead. D. E. A. D.

I don't commit anymore. End of story. But...

Oh Goddess I'm gonna cut off that thought process before it even has the chance to start.

So in closing: Cindy Secret start counting your blessings that I haven't figured out who you are yet. Cuz When I do, you're dead.

Thats a promise.

Cris

[Crissatha Pandora]

Hey Journal Thing.

I got something serious to talk about, so I can drop the crap about caring what this is called. Like it really matters right?

It doesn't.

So I've been kinda lying to everyone by ommission these days. Oops. Oh well. I can't talk abou this with anyone. Not even Luxy or Ki or Justin. Especially those three. They may or may not spaz and I don't need this right now. I just need to think clearly. I really do. But that is slightly hard lately with all this chaotic crap going on. What's a girl to do? I can't stand this bullshit.

What bullshit you may ask?

My mother got ahold of me. Everyone knows this. It drove me crazy. But...what people don't know is that she gave me a cellphone. Yeah, me, Cris...with a cellphone. I didn't notice it at first. It took me a while. But its one of those expensive buggers too. Taken care of by the Phasee's as usual.

She met me again.

And...well...I don't know. She made sense for once too. It's stupid. But I was raised a certain way...And...she offered to take me back. Make me a Phasee again..and...well...I don't know. I miss my cousins and I miss my siblings. And they won't even look at me any more.

The pros? It would be nice to actually have money again. I hate begging off of my friends for a simple snack or something when we leave the House grounds. I'm sick of people who know my past and pity me because they think that I have fallen so low by being disowned. I kind of miss what goes along with being a Phasee...sadly...I was raised to be one.

The cons? I fucking hate being controlled. I fucking hate having to wear what the mother deems proper. I fucking hate my mother. Yay for reasons.

Yeah I know, it seems like a no brainer, right?

I should stay how I am.

But maybe having the family will help with my sanity issues? Is it sad that I'm leaning back towards taking up on my mother's offer? And who the fuck thought it was a good idea to give me a phone?

Freaking blackberry. I thought that was a fruit. I hate having to hide it from Miyuki. But she knows I can't afford one and hate the damn things.

So what do I do? I'll let you know when I do.

Fuck my life.

There's always teh Kalona option. Psh. As if.

Cris

[Crissatha Pandora]

So heres the deal Journal-y thing

And I do mean deal.

Ugh I made a deal with the devil. Shoot me. That's not a request...its a fucking order. Shoot me. What the fuck was I thinking? Now I'm going to loose it...everything. And I worked damn hard for everything...and I had just gotten together with Justin to. Shut up, I don't want to hear the I told you so's. We get it. I'm oblivious. Haha Shut Up.

Moving on.

My mother expects me to spend weekends. And afternoons. And any other time I'm not in class or would burn a firey death. At the house. Home. For appearances sake of course.

I think if she could have, she'd have made me come when I could burn up to. Just to get me out of the way.

She says she wants to refine me or some such shit. That means she wants to turn me back into Aria. And the sad part is? I feel like I snap back into her when I'm around mother dearest. Fuck. So that means none of my style, none of my opinions, none of my hair colors and dyes I love so much. None of my friends...sorry.

And no music.

I'm going to die inside. I just know it. Great, an inside to match my outside, just what I need.

So heres the deal Journal. Only you will see the real me. Because if you thought I was icy before? Just you wait. Nothing will escape. I'll be a robot. Because that woman will get no satisfaction from me.

Sorry Brat Pack...looks like you'll be missing a twin. I sold my soul. If I have one.

To the Devil. Er. My mother. No wait, the first one was right.

Shoot me.

Please

Cris

[Crissatha Pandora]

Dear J.

I have to write this fast. This is my last journal entry before my decent into Hell. The Masquerade is only a few minutes away so sorry this won't be a long journal entry. I'll do my best to write all I need to before I have to run out the door and be a DJ at Kal's stupid party. But its not a....stupid party. Because it's my last fun one. For a while.

I didn't pack anything. No point. My mother won't let me wear anything that I actually want to wear so anything I bring will only be torn apart or thrown out and I couldn't bear to see her do something like that. Plus, if I packed a bag, the BP and Luxy would know that I was leaving. And they can't know. Not at all. Because if they knew they would stop me and that can't happen. I need to do this. She'll only start doing horrible things if I don't. I made a deal.

Sorry Ki. Sorry Luxy. Sorry Justin.

Gotta do it.

So now I'm staring in the mirror, about to work on my makeup. And looking at the girl I happily became. And bidding her farewell. The next time I look in a mirror I don't know who will be staring back at me.

I will not allow myself to be changed. On the inside. On the outside? I'm not sure who I'll become.


So here's to one last hurrah. One last time being Crissatha Pandora before my mother fucks with me.

Fuck my life.

Cris

[Crissatha Pandora]

Dear Thing.

For once I don't know how to start this entry. I really just...don't. I feel so empty, like some decided to make a jack-o-lanturn out of me. Don't I get a say in this? Don't I get to decide what I do or how I act? Apparently not. It's like falling into a well worn groove when I'm home. For a while I can swerve out of it. But after a while, any one is bound to get tired of swerving. Its easier just to let her do what she wants anyway.

And lock myself behind a wall of ice. I can't seem to feel at all. Which is a good thing, right? No feeling means no pain.

No feeling means she gets to turn me back into Aria though. I don't want that...but I find I don't care enough to stop her anymore.

I want to go Home. Home where my flippen' friends are. Where Luxy, and Ki, and Justin are. Not where this bitch is. I can't take it anymore. I feel like a puppet on a string and I wanna snip them off so bad...

She has one of her stupid parties tomorrow night and I'm getting tugged along...with some asshole on my arm apparently. Daddy wants his business, we please his kid to get a good word in. Just business. I used to do it all the time when I lived here. It's easy to pretend, to play smile and laugh at their pathetic jokes. I can do it one more time.

Then I'm going home.

I don't even know what to sign this thing anymore.

((OOC: Obvi this journal takes place before the party at her house ))

[Crissatha Pandora]

Dear Thing of which I hate but write in anyway.

Still working on that title.

Anyway. I'm lying. Currently. To everyone.

Oh well.

And I'm currently writing this from Lux's bed...cuz he went off to class...and I needed something to occupy my mind that doesn't involve thinking. Not that this doesn't require thinking...but apparently it's supposed to make you feel better when your done. Yeah, not working so far.

I can't see him. I can't think about him. I can't say his name. I can't shut out the memory of him saying those things or biting me. Which scarred, by the way. I just...can't. Because then I shut down. Or worse...Cry. Which I do not do.

I miss him.

Fuck do I miss him.

But it hurts when I think about him, or see him...So it's better to hate him right?

Not like he doesn't hate me...

Cris

[Crissatha Pandora]

-points to the third and fourth entry- Pretend she just wrote those

[Crissatha Pandora]

So here’s the deal, journal. I, Crissatha Pandora, being of fucked up mind and damn fine body, am about to do something stupid. Might as well write my will. I leave everything to Lux. Including my guitar cause he technically bought it so that makes sense. Right? Well, everything but my make up. That can go to the girls of the BP. Or Justin. Ha, that would be an interesting sight to see. If I would be alive to see it. I swear I am not being melodramatic. Okay, maybe I am a little. But seriously? I feel like I have every right to be.

As I sit here now, I am still in the dress from the mask, but my mask itself is sitting on the bed, ready to be picked up whenever but It’ll probably stay there. Part of me is glad Ki’s still in the hospital, I know she wouldn’t have gone to that ball and then she’d be back here in this room and I’d have to explain myself as to why I’m packing up a few things. I just came back from dropping my baby, my pretty Chii, off at Lux’s room with a note. I wish I could ignore the hurt look she gave me when I left without taking her with me. I won’t let my baby anywhere near my mother though, never. She’s too precious to me to let her near that bitch woman. SO I had to suck it up…

I left the masq while my friends were still dancing, with enough music on a set playlist to fade into each other to last the night. And I got Chii, gave her to Lux and now here I am. I am about to descend into the pits of hell. Why? The reasons aren’t even that clear to me. I don’t know why I think this is a good idea…maybe I’ll be smart and just get her out of my life once and for all. Besides, it’d be nice to see my siblings and nieces and nephews. Right? Right. That’s what I need to focus on. And not my lack of sanity in doing this.

So here I go, to my mother’s. I plan on only being there for a short time and I’ll still be coming here for classes. So that’s all good, it isn’t like she’ll be able to consume me. Wish me luck anyway, I apparently have a bit of a death wish going into this or something.

So…I keep delaying this. If I keep this up I’ll still be here when the masq’s over and I’ll miss my window of time to get out of here. I’m sorry to everyone who I actually care about, but I know if I told you guys this, you would just stop me and I can’t let you do that. So I’m sorry…